Thursday, August 27, 2009
Saturday, July 25, 2009
For weeks now, I had lost one friend, I considered her as one of the best friends I've had however it all changed with one word she uttered. She once told me, "daghan pa ko'g problema para problemahon pa tika". Well, I guess I'm so sensitive and immature to get rid of her in my life but her words hurt me, though our fight was just a silly kid-like misunderstanding, she spoke out words that were nasty and upsetting. For weeks, we haven't talk and I can tell that she moved on and no longer needed me in her life. I feel that our friendship doesn't mean anything to her but for me it means a lot, I treasured them so much and cared about them a lot but I guess, I'm nothing to her. So I think It's gonna be goodbye for now... I just wished her happiness and I know she's happy with everything that's happening. I wanna try to keep in touch with her but the pain still lingers.
I now wonder, what are real friends supposed to be?
Once I needed their comfort but I found no consolation from them. Once, I need their shoulders to cry on but I ended up weeping on my own, feeling left all alone. I grieved, I cried, I surrendered, I broke down yet my friends didn't catch me before I fall and in the end, I learned to stand and move on without them.
But am I happy now?! The truth is, i still needed my friends and want to be with them but if they don't need me, should I force myself into their lives?!
I only wanted to have true friends who could see through my soul, who could reach out to me, who could read my pains before I could speak them out, who could be there for me no matter what and consider me as part of their life. Is that too much?!
Now, I'm still hurting but if they have moved on, then I should too!!!
Maybe it's goodbye for now....
Well maybe now I should just say goodbye
You used to be my friend
But I never felt I really was yours
So maybe this is the end.
I'm different from you, all of you
Each other we've never understood
I hope that if I do tell you goodbye
That it won't be for good.
Whenever I'm mad it hurts me so bad
And you don't even care
I don't know why, I just want to cry
And someday I won't be there.
The streaks on my arm they've done me no harm
They're only made of pen
But once they are blood that turns brown like mud
They'll be there again and again.
If I'm mad at you I'll hurt myself too
But that doesn't really matter
Although when I hurt I feel like dirt
And my spirit's bruised and battered.
I do not know why it has to be so
I really wish it did not
But the way this has been going
it is basically shot.
You don't need me and we don't need we
And that's how I think I know why
These words are the ones I have to speak-
I love you, but goodbye.
Friday, June 26, 2009
My life's journey have been in the bumpiest road ever...I'm in control of everything I do, I'm vague and pathetic...For days, I've cried oceans for incomprehensible reasons and doubted for someone to rescue me in my miseries. I tried to walk out of this troubled world but fate keeps pulling me back, I guess there's a good purpose. This day, I found this poem hanging on the wall at my workplace, it's a simple post with a deep meaning, by then I found myself clinging back to reality that God is giving me rainbow for my rainy days but I frequently get soaked for I never surrendered myself to him....
"God Gives You a Rainbow for every Rainy day"
by: Kelly Wolfe
Often it is through the most difficult days of our lives
that we come to know ourselves and what is truly most
important to us. No matter how sad you may feel at times,
be confident that hope will awaken with you tomorrow.
Faith and Courage reach out to you; take hold of them, and
you will find that you will be able to smile again and
truly be happy once more...
How we deal with life is really a matter of personal choice,
so choose to be happy. Find joy in the simplest things, and
see beauty in each person you met.
When times are difficult, remind yourself that no pain
comes to you without a purpose... Above all, trust in God's
handcrafted plan that he has made just for you...
Let him love you through life's joyous and painful aspects;
if you do, you will find inner peace and unending joy...
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Finally, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen has aired and I finally got to watch it. This movie is an action/adventure, science/fiction, fantasy, romance and war film, directed by Michael Bay. It’s a sequel to the 2007 movie “Transformers”. Surely, this movie’s going to be a box office hit despite what critics say. The movie stars Shia LeBeouf, Sam Witwicky, Megan Fox, Miakela Banes, Josh Duhamel, Seargeant Lennox, Matthew Marsden, Isabel Lucas and a lot more.
The movie depicts the true bonding of the Autobots with the humans, how the autobots defended the humans and created a life of trust and friendship. The plot of the movie might berserk and round the bend but the overall film was moving, fascinating, funny and marvelous. The autobot, Optimus Prime is one of my favorite, he’s still the master and savior of all, without him, the sun will no longer rise. Another character I love is Bumblebee, the yellow Camaro autobot is quite hilarious, he made me smile when he cried and its heart-stirring every time he rescues Sam, he’s an amazing friend and protects you by not letting your boyfriend cheat on you. The twins are so cute, silly and amusing. A lot of scenes in the movies will make you laugh and make you tear-eyed too. I don’t give a damn to those who think that this movie suck, we all have opinions and likes, the movie simply brings back the child in me and made me learn some of the cruel lessons in life.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
One of the poems I truly adore is Elizabeth Browning's Sonnet XLIII, it denotes one's confession of true love.
I've been in this world for quite some time now, been in loved, been hurt, been dumped and cried over someone who doesn't deserve it. I declared my love for them just like what this poem denotes, I haved loved him with the breath, smiles and tears of all my life and if my God do really choose him as my destiny, I wanna love him more till the end. Being in love for me is the most amazing feeling in this world but It will only be amazing if you are being loved back....
HOW do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.
I love thee to the level of everyday's
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints, -I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life! - and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.
by: Elizabeth Barrett Browning
Well,to end my desperation in love, I just wanna say someday I simply hope to love and be loved better after death!! x.o.x.o
Monday, June 15, 2009
Today, I'm spiritless and I've been flipping through various sites for hours, glad, I found this site "http://www.quizbox.com/personality/test82.aspx"...
I took one of their personality test and here's my test results:
You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.
The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:
You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.
Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.
The seriousness of your love:
You like to flirt and behave seductively. The opposite sex finds this very attractive, and that's why you'll always have admirers hanging off your arms. But how serious are you about choosing someone to be in a relationship with?
Your views on education
Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.
The right job for you:
You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.
How do you view success:
You are confident that you will be successful in your chosen career and nothing will stop you from trying.
What are you most afraid of:
You are afraid of having no one to rely on in times of trouble. You don't ever want to be unable to take care of yourself. Independence is important to you.
Who is your true self:
You are full of energy and confidence. You are unpredictable, with moods changing as quickly as an ocean. You might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long!
Well.... The test quite deduced my personality, it tells things that surprised me and made me realize that I have those hidden qualities waiting to evolve!! However, I strongly disagree with the test perception of me being "confident" for no matter what I do, no matter what people say, I know deep in me...I am never confident with myself, with my abilities, with everything that I am, it's one thing that someday I should learn and hope to gain! heheheh! nite nite world! mwah...
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Today's my Birthday, another year to celebrate God's gift of Life!! I'm thankful for everything he has given me, my life, my family, and friends!! I owe everything to my creator. Today might not be a good day to celebrate 'coz I'm terribly tired, I celebrated my birthday at work, from 12 am to 7 am, it's quite a distressing day to be happy but I'm trying to work things out and smile!!!
For weeks, I've planned to celebrity this day blissfully with my family and friends, to have a nice vacation somewhere I could find solace and happiness however due to unforeseen circumstances, everything I planned changed. I never thought I would spend my birthday at work for I have already requested a day off on my day but because some people just don't like me to be happy, my plans got ruined!!
Despite this, I tried to lift up my spirits and erased in my memory the pain caused by other people's selfishness, I continued to live and spend everything right because I believe my God has a purpose for giving me this challenge.
Today, on this beautiful day, on my birthday I am thankful for my life... I didn't sleep and went for a nice outdoor get-away with my family at Pizarro Resort, it was a peaceful place to bond with my soul, I spend the day with nature, swim and eat like it's my last day on earth! thankfully, I felt fulfilled and I'm glad that my friend bloggers greeted me too!!
And Here's a beautiful birthday poem engraved in my nephew's birthday present to me:
Beautiful Happy Birthday
Happy birthday on this beautiful day,
There's so many things, I just want to say.
You inspire many, with your thoughts and actions,
We're all so grateful, for your calm reactions.
Happy birthday on this beautiful day,
You've always been there, when we needed you to stay.
Kindness and thoughtfulness is your forte,
Our love for you, we wish to convey.
Happy birthday on this beautiful day,
We wish you the best, without any delay.
Hope you enjoy it, from beginning till end,
Here's a hug and kiss, we're ready to send.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
I'm still alive and kicking, don't know where I got my strength and hope to continue living... I'm trying to decipher everything that's been happening, trying to comprehend my life's purpose. For now, I'm getting quite my inspiration from Carrie Underwood's song "Jesus Take the Wheel"... Take care world! mwah!
Thursday, June 4, 2009
What's the worth of living when you're always living in pain?
These past few days, I've been through a lot...endured all kinds of pain. I tried to wipe it all out through crying but it seems useless, everything still hurts and keeps hurting. I love my life, I love everything that I am and everything that I have but there's no sense in living.
They say I'm always happy, I look happy, I look okay and that I am good at what I do but they don't realize that Damn! I'm just a good actress...pretending my life is fine! I'm just tired of struggling, sick of crying, I know I've been smiling but inside I'm truly dying.
I think I'm not gonna last long, I presume my life's gonna end soon no matter what it takes...I fear my God but I mostly fear to continue living...
If that day comes that I'll finally give in, I just want to be remembered as someone who gave her life for others, who helped people brighten up their days but even I couldn't brighten up my own.
Now Signing off!!! take care world!!! *mwah*
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Today, My Blog friend, Schizoshrink gave me a special award, the "Interesting Blog Award"... I feel privileged to be given such an amazing award...Thank you so much!!!
As a gratitude to everyone who keeps visiting my site, I'd like to pass on this award to my co-bloggers,friends and followers... feel free to grab this award!!!
Thank you!!! *mwah*
Monday, June 1, 2009
New Moon - the sequel to the hit movie "Twilight", it is said to air on November 2009. New Moon is about losing one's true love and finding comfort, friendship and love with someone else. Further, New Moon epitomize the darkest phase of Bella Swan's existence.
Many critics may say the Twilight Saga is another fantasy movie about to lose it's dignity however,no matter what, for me, the movie/the book simply narrates the hopes and dreams of a girl...how girls wanted to find a man worth loving for, how we badly
aim to be loved unconditionally and eternally!!!
Have fun watching the Official New Moon Trailer...
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Presently, I'm still anguishing in pain. I can't find the strength to forgive and forget everything that has been unjustifiably done to me. I know my reactions were exaggerated however beyond the bounds of my sanity, I can't still unravel the mistakes enacted by the antagonist in my life.
For now, I'm remunerating on this passage to help me get over my laughable misery!
For everything there is a season,
And a time for every matter under heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die;
A time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal;
A time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to throw away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
A time to embrace, And a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to seek, and a time to lose;
A time to keep, and a time to throw away;
A time to tear, and a time to sew;
A time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate,
A time for war, and a time for peace.
I desire that someday, on my birthday, I could find solace, peace, happiness, true love and a blessed life!!! *cease the day*
posted by Bonita-(^,^)- @ 11:04 AM
Friday, May 29, 2009
"What would you feel when someone bruised you and tormented you into pieces?! What would you do when someone caused you so much suffering that you wish you were never born?! would you ever want to live or rather die?"
This were the torturous, excruciating, harrowing ideas meddling on my mind today. Someone caused me so much pain this day and it feels like I can never forgive that person. Today, the devil had driven my patience to the extremes...my heart is now full of anguish towards the devil. For years, I submissively followed her rules, avoided any arguments, refrained from causing any commotion that might ruined everything but finally she elicit another mistake and it has driven me to the extremes now.... some people laugh about it, some people tell me it's passable and might be happening for a reason but i wonder, what reason might that be?!
The devil finally broke me into pieces...last year, she did this to me however, I gained the passion to forgive her and understand the situation but this time, I just couldn't understand it anymore...I've been good to her, I've been her weakling puppy-staff, followed everything she wanted, said yes to all her orders but what do I get?! even a day of rest for my birthday, she couldn't even grant, she's so mean, she even scheduled me on a graveyard shift on the day of my supposedly happy birthday!!! how could I forgive a person like her?! tell me...I guess, I'm just so emotional, childish and overly dramatic but my mind tells me that what she did was wrong, my heart tells me that I'm hurting and it's hard to understand everything!!!
All I wanted is to be happy on my day, all I wanted was to rest from all the hardships in my work, in my life...all i wanted was to be at peace but now all my plans are ruined...I guess, I just have to sleep all day long on my day after working on a graveyard shift, I'll just be dreaming of the blissful things that should have happened or might have happened....
What a chaotic life it has been... I tried to calm myself down, cried it all out, prayed for it to changed but for now, I'm still trying to mend my heart and understand everything that is and will be happening in my deranged life!!
posted by Bonita-(^,^)- @ 9:10 AM
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Recently, I watched the film "Angels and Demons"... one of the best novels by Dan Brown. It's a breathtaking film/novel....it's pulse-pounding, intriguing, suspenseful, and very imaginative. The movie itself is very entertaining for me despite what some critics commented, the movie hasn't showed the precise story in the book and had deleted a lot of pertinent information. However, the message relayed in the movie still impinged on me, even got teary-eyed in some parts of the movie. For me, everything about the movie is admirable, luring and unearthing!!
Other critics flap that the movie tests your faith and might changed everything you believe in however, the movie did test my faith... it proved that my faith in my creator remained perpetual!! *wink*
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
This is one of my favorite songs and movie...
Come What May... I will love you till my dying day!!! *wink*
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
I've found this video from you tube, and it really struck me...dunno why...but i guess it's because I'm hurting, I'm longing and I'm confused!!
For years now, I've been watching Ghost Whisperer, got so addicted with the series that I totally believed that it's possible that spirits may stay earth bound forever as long as they wish to and as long as they want to be with the one they love. Ghost Whisperer made me believe in true love, the relationship depicted by Mel and Jim is so amazing and true, their love is unconditional and really persisted till life after death.
For me, their love encompasses everything that I've dreamed of, everything that i hoped for, everything that I couldn't have..maybe that's why I've been so emotional and attached with this video and this movie..for it has everything I crave for......pure LOVE!!
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Mother’s day is a holiday to celebrate and honor the mothers. We are all greatly influenced by our mothers; we get our source of inspiration throughout our lives from our mothers, who sacrificed their lives for our happiness and life. A mother can be defined in a lot of ways, but merely these words are enough to depict what they truly are: mothers are love, kindness, forgiveness, sacrifice, care, compassion, tears, faith, loyalty and never-ending passion. Being a mom is living and dying for her children.
Here are among the best descriptions/quotes of what composes a “Mother”
- “A mother's love is instinctual, unconditional, and forever.”- unknown
- “Mother is the bank where we deposit all our hurts and worries.” – unknown
- “A mother loves her children even when they least deserve to be loved.”- Kate Samperi
- “Mother is the one we count on for the things that matter most of all.” - Katherine Butler Hathaway, "The Journals and Letters of the Little Locksmith"
- “A mother understands what a child does not say.” - Jewish proverb
- “Mother love is the fuel that enables a normal human being to do the impossible.”- Unknown
Knowing this, I’ve recalled one scenario that smacked me; it was when one of my patients died, she’s a mother, when she passed away, her sons were crying and simply said to us, “You’re still lucky for you still have your parents with you, and you should treasure every moment you are with them for they will never be with you forever, you will never know when they’ll be gone so as early as now, you must show them how much they mean to you”
Now, I’ve realized the importance of celebrating mother’s day, it’s cherishing the person who gave life to me, who cared for me and loved me despite of what I am. I made mistakes before, I’ve been a bad daughter and hence it’s true that we will never know the love of our parents until we become parents ourselves. I won’t wait for that day to come for now I’ll start loving each day I am with my mother and father too!!
This song from the spice girls entitled “MAMA” is one of my favorite songs, I used to sing this all the time during my teenage years, the lyrics depicted a lot of my past encounters with my mom which now inspires me…Love you Mama!! (though I don’t say it aloud)
Monday, May 4, 2009
Love always exists in everything we do, without it, we find it hard to interact with others, and we find it hard to choose the life we desire. In choosing to serve someone, Love is always there, we can’t give up our life for a person without loving him/her. Moreover, In life, there are many challenges and pain that comes in our way. We try to fight it, run from it, hide from it and some just go for it but despite this entire thing, we end up living the real essence of life despite every storm for the reason that “Love conquers all”
Thereby, what is Love?
As quoted, Love - a wildly misunderstood although highly desirable malfunction of the heart which weakens the brain, causes eyes to sparkle, cheeks to glow, blood pressure to rise and the lips to pucker. Further, Love is the greatest emotion of all, the wonderful thing created by God, the most expensive thing on heaven and earth. Love is the choice to do what is best for another person. Love is friendship. Love understands shares and forgives; it is loyalty through good and bad. Love settles for less than perfection and concedes human weaknesses. Love is caring, patient and kind, love doesn’t expect anything, it knows when to put pride aside, it is unconditional, giving and selfless. Love isn’t egotistical, it’s not arrogant and domineering, Love doesn’t insist in its own way. Love is an undying devotion; it is yearning to be physically and emotionally intimate. Love is believing, sharing, dreaming, inspiring, forgiving, understanding, caring and adoring. Love is Honesty. Love is supporting but not overbearing. Love is faithful and loyal. Love is not breathlessness, it is not pleasure, and it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. Love is never wanting to lose faith, never wanting to give up, and never truly moving on. Love is knowing and praying in the deepest part of what's left of your heart that they feel the same. In the end, Love endures all, hopes all and bears all.
How do we know its love?
True Love exist when the aspects of caring, respect, acceptance, forgiving and trust is present. Love can’t be true when a person doesn’t respect the other. We can’t love if we can’t accept the mistakes of the other, and love his or her imperfections. If you love someone, you choose to be patient with them (be very slow to get angry with them), you choose to treat them well. There are times when choosing to love someone comes at great cost. If you love someone you would be willing to give up everything for them, but if they loved you back they’d never ask you to. You feel love, when you have to sacrifice something: time, money, energy, sometimes the greatest cost will be giving up your own life so that someone else can live and despite all this, you are happy and contented, you do not seek anything in return. When it really cost you something to persevere in a relationship or to help someone, it becomes the real test to find out if you truly love the person. If you bail out, guess what, you have just proved that you love yourself more than the person who needs your help. If you do what is best for the other person even though it is hard or costly for you…you have discovered real love, a love that you choose to exercise regardless how you feel.
Friday, May 1, 2009
For me, Love is the greatest emotion on earth and when you are in love, you do the most absurd thing you could never imagine you are capable of and no matter how it all ended, you remain happy and complacent!
Years ago, My man sent me a letter containing this poem:
"There is danger in kissing a stranger. Yes, I know it and you know it. But my darling, in spite of the danger, I will do it for you, I would never be happy unless I had the chance of kissing you because I know your lips were intended for me. Such a thing could be, there is danger in kissing, my darling but only when love is not true. I love you, my beloved, so there is no danger and I will do it for you,"
Reading his letter made me laugh for the content of the poem was so cute and tempting. I was trying to decipher what he meant by his letter and guess what, just read the poem again and you'll know what happened next……......
well, I fell in love and became happy till this day!!! mwah!! (hehehehe!*wink*)
Thursday, April 30, 2009
For more than a decade now, I've been sharing my life with my man, longing to last the relationship forever. We've been through the ups and downs in life, clinging on to our love despite the temptations and devils around. Our love started as young as we are, ,though a lot of people describe it as puppy love, we managed to transform it into real love..(hahaha)...
As I scanned through our memoirs I've realized how wonderful our life has become through the years..Among the letters he sent, one of the hallmark cards he gave me has this nice poem, and I treasured it for years now and made it one of our vows....
"Two souls with but a single thought, Two hearts that beat as one...
I believe with all my heart that we were meant to be together...,
That I am a better person because of you..
Who I am can never again be totally separate from who you are...
We have become one in ways I can't explain in ways I can't fully understand
in ways that nothing can change...
We are one from now until forever--
United by the special love we share."
This Blog Award aims to consecrate the bloggers who truly love blogging and to promote friendship through blogging.
Moreover, this award aspires to:
a.) seek out the reasons why we all love blogging.
b.) Place the award in one post as soon as you receive it.
c.) Don't forget to mention the person who gives you the award.
d.) Answer the award's question by writing the reason why you love blogging.
e.) Tag and distribute the award to as many people as you like.
f.) Don't forget to notify the award receivers and put their links in your post.
This Blog Award was wholeheartedly given to me by a colleague and a friend of mine, Kevin, thanks for tagging me with this nice award! I really appreciate and love it! Thanks again!
When my friend Kessa first introduced me to blogging world, immediately I got interested with it and since the day I started blogging, my life evolved around blogging. One of my reasons for blogging is to express myself, articulate my journey in life and to be part of the world, be with them in their ups and downs! Blogging creates the other side of me.
Hereby, I am passing this award to my blog friends: Tweegy, Jong, Grace, Kessa, Brilliam, Brigitte, Weng, Wani, ^d_mOniC^, Judie, Betchay, Yulia, Andre, HoneyBUZZin, Mama Agan, Ikhsan, Shylukasa. And to everyone who are linked on my site, feel free to grab this award. You deserve this one! Stay HappY!
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Among the letters my cousin sent me during my weekend get-away, she gave me advices to ponder, she told me she got it from poems and famous quotations but no matter where she got it, I still adore her for sending me life lessons to learn....
She hit me with a stone and gave me this advices:
- "Never do something if the risk is greater than the reward", think of what it would cause and cost you before jumping!
- "Life moves fast, but not so fast that you can't slow down to enjoy it" slow down and don't do anything that you'd regret later - leave it to your future when you are in the right age na..
- "You never know when you are making a memory" make the most of your life, "Instead of waiting for life to get better, do something about it", you can't just stand on one corner and wait for luck to come near you!" because "dreaming and doing go hand in hand!"
- "If you can laugh at yourself, you are going to be fine", and "if you allow others to laugh with you, you will be great", being too proud of one's self is not good for a person, it would just bring you down! "Be honest/true to yourself", "Be yourself", "Believe in yourself", and "Be a self to other"
It makes me giggle and laugh looking back, it's so funny to know that I've been the big bad wolf in my family before but now I am trying to give them the good side me, I just hope they'll be contented for everything I'm trying to do for them... I pray that God be by my side in everything I do, in everything I long to earn for the people who gave me life. Mwah *Wink*
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
"Love is reading each others thoughts, Love is never forgetting"
As I was cleaning up my closet, I found the letters my cousin gave me when I went for a retreat during my teen years, she gave me a wonderful piece to reflect on, she told me the realities of life. As I was looking at her letters, I came across my past, the past I yearn to forget, as I looked back, I figured out the real me, the person I was before, the person struggling during her teen years and now everything is just a memory, a memory I can share, a past all can learn from. Now, here I am, strong and living, I am a different person now and my past contributed a lot to what I have become.
This was part of the letter my cousin sent me:
"Wonder, to me, is a good place to be. it helps you think, it helps you to see. Life's full of twist and turns will abound, but wonder and insight can guide you around. Explore what you may and fill up your mind, and hold in your heart the mysteries you find. Wonder is only saying you yearn. To know and select the things that you learn, and making a choice in which way you turn. The best path you take will always be right, cause if you were wrong, you can make it right. Each new step you tkae when you listen and hear, will give you more courage and freedom from fear. So wonder, my friend, rid of your doubt, and you will rejoice with how you turn out. And though you may fall and struggle too, know that I've been there and will always love you!"
Thank you 'cuz, for all the memories, for all the laughter and tears, thank you for loving me despite my behaviors before... We will always be sisters till the end, no matter who we are now!!! mwah!!!
Monday, April 27, 2009
Today, I received a wonderful tagged from a wondrous friend of mine, Ate Weng.
1. Post these rules on your blog.
2. Share 5 facts about yourself.
3. Tag 5 people at the end of your post by leaving their name as well as links to their blogs.
4. Link the person who tagged you.
5. Leave a comment for each blogger.
5 Facts about me:
1. I am a sensitive gal, I take life too serious, I am emotional, a crybaby, and a loner.
2. I am scared of the dark, i hate turning the lights off when sleeping coz i feel like I see "the others" around me. 3. I love movies, scary-suspense movies, i love romantic films and I often daydream. 4. I love to eat - mostly chocolates, cakes, ice cream, and my mami mercy's sisig but I hate vegies!! 5. I am in love and hope to be in love forever!!!
Thanks Ate Weng for this badge, now I gladly pass this tag to my pretty nice friends: Tweegy, ^d_mOniC^, benchiegrace, kessa, Brigitte, judie, lara, amy, brilliam, sir jong and to everyone else out there! Take care
Monday, April 20, 2009
Since I was a kid, I prayed, I hoped that someday I'll meet the man of my dreams, someone who could love me for me, who could treasure me for eternity, who could be my husband till the day that I die. And till this day, I continue to hope to walk down the aisle, be the wife that i can be, and thus be loved truly.
And on the day, that I'll finally be united with my man, I wish it to be the perfect moment to say my vow and promised to keep it for life.
Someday, these will be my wedding vow to my man:
"______, I give you this ring, wear it with love and joy. I choose you to be my husband: to have and to hold, from this day forward. For better, for worse, for richer for poorer; in sickness and in health; to have and to cherish, as long as we both shall live. And hereto, I pledge you my faithfulness to show to you the same kind of love as Christ showed the Church when He died for us, and to love you as a part of myself because in His sight we shall be one. I love you now and I'll be loving you forever."
And I pray that someday someone will vow his love for me through these lines:
"______, I love you. Today is a very special day. Long ago you were just a dream and a prayer. This day like a dream come true the Lord Himself has answered that prayer. For today, ______, you as my joy become my crown. I thank Jesus for the honor of going through time with you. Thank you for being what you are to me. With our future as bright as the promises of God, I will care for you, honor and protect you. I lay down my life for you, _____, my friend and my love. Today I give to you me."
Saturday, April 18, 2009
These past few days, life has been a roller coaster for me. I've been through all the joys and pains and yet I'm still here, keeping my heart beating, surviving these crazy life of mine. I tried to ponder why I've been feeling miserable, weak and hopeless these days, I've tried crying it out yet no tears will fall, i tried to laugh it all out but still there's no sign that I can be happy at all. My emotions were ambivalent, I can't figure the reasons that made me so down, i thought I'm going crazy, I thought I'm just being so silly and sensitive but deep down in me, I know there's something wrong. Stress in work, stress at home, stress surrounds me everywhere I go, it keeps pulling my sanity, it makes me feeble and suicidal!!!
Today, I took a quiz from "http://www.gotoquiz.com/results/how_suicidical_are_you"
and the test result shows: >You are 91% Suicidical
Yes, I guess, I am depressed and suicidal. I guess, I have the ability and strength to take the life out of me but I still believe that I also have the courage to refuse these kind of doing for I was born to fear my God! I just hope and pray that I'll be strong enough to stay alive and be happy with what I have now.
For the mean time, I am trying to get rid of these mixed emotions in me, I'm planning to run away from all these pain and reflect on the beauty of life!!!
Somebody has told me that "If people don't see how great I am, then THEY'RE stupid, not me!!" and I think she's right, so I won't let them sabotage my life!!!
***photo courtesy of: http://www.flickr.com/photos/doc18/61461873/....thanks 4 d pix
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
One of the greatest extraordinary novel of Nicholas Spark that inspired and hearten many to believe in miracles and to uphold the beauty of innocent love. A sweet tale of young but everlasting love...a story that tells the life of Landon Carter and Jamie Sullivan, two teenagers in a small southern town who eventually fall in love till death do them part.
"A Walk to Remember", the novel which made me cry and renew my faith. I kept crying for hours, don't why, I can't comprehend the reasons for my tears, I can't deduce the sanity beyond my behavior, I was completely transformed emotionally and spiritually by the story. Laugh if you want to but it was for real, the feelings were true, i am smitted by the novel. The novel squeezes your heart and makes you believe that in this crazy world, one can find her true love and make it last a life time.
"I pray someday, I'll get to experience a journey in life like this, that I'll be able to walk down the aisle, love and be loved unconditionally, and be able to say that I had A WALK TO REMEMBER!"
Sunday, April 12, 2009
It's Holy Week Celebration once again, a time for reflection, a time to repent. Jesus, our Savior died on the cross to save human kind from abomination. He suffered mercilessly and cruelly merely to shield us from hell. Our lives exist because of him. We owe our God all that we have and all that we are. And I'm so conscience-stricken for the reason that I have been a froward, naughty, false-hearted, bitchy advocate of my God.
It's a "Holy" Week but I've been so bad. I made mistakes. I coveted. I scandalized. I lived in sin and haven't lamented on my wrong doings. For the whole week, I was so preoccupied with my work, so jaded with all the adversities in my life that I lose sight of the essence of celebrating the holy week. Willfully, I skip the way of the cross and the Easter mass called "sugat". Despite this, I think in my heart, I will always uphold my faith in my God no matter what I do or failed to do.
It's been a hell of a week in my life and all I've tried to do is survive though I failed to commemorate the life my God had given me. I heartily ask him for forgiveness for all the pain I've caused him, for all the negligence I've made. I know he hears me and comforts me all throughout my agony, I hope he do forgives me.
I thank my God for the life he has given me. I thank him for saving me from hell. I thank him for being my savior, my strength, my guide and my angel. Thank you Lord, thank you! I know I'm a failure, I can't do the things you have done, I can't be a savior to anyone but I hope someday, I can make someones life better.
Sunday, April 5, 2009
"The dead are talking...and she is listening."
I miss Ghost Whisperer...I'm so engrossed with this series.
Ghost Whisperer, a tv series drama that depicts the life of a young woman who has the ability to see and communicate the dead, allowing her to help them crossover into the light. Ghost Whisperer arrays the other side of life, it tells us that people may die but they continue to be with us until we learn to let go, to forgive and be forgiven. For years now, I've been incessantly watching each episode of Ghost Whisperer, I've felt the pain, the sorrows and joys of every character portrayed in the story. I felt the need of living life to the fullest and treasuring the people who bring color to my life.
The tale touches my heart so intensely. All of it's episodes spook me, made me laugh and made me cry excessively. Among the episodes that gave me tears, two of it came from Ghost Whisperer Season 4, the episode titled "Imaginary Friends and Enemies" and "Threshold". These were the episodes that depicted the agony of Melinda (Jennifer Love Hewitt), it's the time when his husband Jim died accidentally. It really crushed my heart into pieces, the pain depicted seemed so real. Jim was the perfect husband, he loved Melinda unconditionally and understand that the ghost are a part of her life. When Jim died Melinda was down and though he loved her husband so much that it hurts to bid goodbye, she tried to cross him over into the light but because of true love, Jim refused and choose to relive his life again just to be with the woman he love.
Ghost Whisperer, may be for some, a kind of imaginary tale but for me, everything is real, I may not see and talk to the ghost but I do believe that somewhere out there, they exist and live with us. I'm looking forward for the next episodes of this series, and hope to learn more from it.Lastly. For me, the 7ghost may choose to walk into heaven or stay earth bound but whatever they choose, one reason concludes their choice - Love makes them stay!
+++ photo courtesy of: http://www.cbs.com/primetime/ghost_whisperer/photos/
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
“Twilight, another ending… No matter how perfect the day is, it always has to end” a brief delineation of what twilight is to Edward Cullen, the vampire boy in the Twilight Saga.
Twilight Saga, the novel of Stephenie Meyer caught the interest of billions of people, made humans believe that something unique, scary and divine subsist somewhere in this world to capture our imagination and hearts. The book depicts the life of a simple girl fated to love an immortal unconditionally and so also narrated the supreme pure devotion and ardour of a feared creature to a mortal. The story may be so illusory and superb but it made some fall in love for a non-existent immortal and continued to make women hope that men like Edward Cullen or Jacob Black will somehow exist in our world, to make us fall in love and be loved unconditionally.
The Twilight Saga, for me, is one of the best novels created in history. It made me cry, made me laugh, and it made me fall in love. Stupid as it seem to be but Twilight Saga nestled deep in me. One of my best friends had a hard time coping up with the pain she endured while reading the books, she felt she was part of the story, had cried and got depressed over the painful scenes of the book; she started reading the new moon book only recently after months of going through recovery, I often laugh at her for being miserable over something she should not yet I still understand that she fell in love with book and so did I.
With reverence to Ms. S. Meyer’s Twilight saga, I collected some of the best lines in the book that made me so in love with the story, with the characters and with the whole aspect of the book. Thanks to Ms. Meyer for creating such a wonderful saga, it inspires us all.
These are among the best quotes/lines I truly adore from the book:
** "Before u, my life was like a moonless night, very dark but there where stars, points of light and reason, and then you shot across my sky like meteor.... Suddenly, everything was on fire, there was brilliancy! There was beauty! When you were gone, when the meteor had fallen over the horizon, everything went black, nothing had changed but my eyes were blinded by the light...I couldn’t see the stars anymore and there was no more reason for anything..." Edward Cullen, New moon.
** "My life and his were twisted into a single strand. Cut one and you cut both! If he were gone, I wouldn’t be able to live through that. If I were gone, he wouldn’t live through it either...In a world, without him seemed completely pointless. Edward had to exist!" Bella Cullen, Breaking Dawn!
** "If leaving is the right thing to do, then I’ll hurt myself to keep from hurting you...to keep you safe!" Edward Cullen
** "I would rather die than to stay away from you..." Bella Swan
** "When I thought of him, of his voice, of his hypnotic eyes, the magnetic force of his personality, I wanted nothing more than to be with him right now.." Bella Swan, Twilight
** "The bond forged between us was not one that could be broken by absence, distance or time and no matter how much more special or beautiful or perfect than he might be... he was irreversibly altered as I was. As I would always belong to him so would he always be mine..." Bella Swan, New Moon.
** "About 3 things I was absolutely positive: 1st, Edward was a vampire... 2nd, There was part of him and I didn’t know how potent that part might be that thirsted for my blood... and 3rd, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him!" - Bella Swan, Twilight
** "It's been almost a century that Edwards been alone... Now he has found you, you can't see the changes that we see, we who have been with him for so long. Do you think any of us want to look into his eyes for the next hundred years if he loses you....?” Alice Cullen, Twilight!
** "For almost ninety years, I’ve walked among my kind and yours, all the time thinking I was complete in myself not realizing what I was seeking and not finding anything because you weren't alive yet!" Edward Cullen, Twilight!
** "I couldn’t live with myself if I ever hurt you, you don’t know how its tortured me, the thought of you, still, white, cold, to never see you that flash of intuition in your eyes when you see through my pretenses, it would be unendurable!! You are the most important thing to me now.... the most important thing to me Ever!" Edward Cullen, Twilight!
** "I hate forcing myself to let go of one person that I need in my life. It’s the only thing that makes sense but at the same time, it’s the same thing that complicates me. I know that I am better off without him, yet I feel empty whenever I try to let go. Now tell me, is emptiness better than constant hurting?" Bella Swan
** "My life hasn't beat in almost 90 years, but this was different. It was like my heart was gone like I was hollow. I'd left everything that was inside me here with you." - Edward Cullen
** "You are my life now!" Edward Cullen
** "I can’t live without my life.... I can’t live without my soul!" Edward Cullen
** "If all else perished and he remained, I should still continue to be. And if all else remained and he were annihilated, the universe would turn to be a mighty stranger!" - Bella Swan, Eclipse
** "When life offers you a dream so far beyond any of your expectations, its not reasonable to grieve when it comes to an end..." - Bella Swan, Twilight!
** "Our relationship couldn’t continue to balance, as it did, on the point of a knife. We would fall off one edge or the other, depending entirely upon his decision, or his instincts. My decision was made, made before I'd ever consciously chosen, and I was committed to seeing it through. Because there was nothing more terrifying to me, more excruciating, than the thought of turning away from him. It was impossibility!" Bella Swan
** "Even more, I had never meant to love him. One thing I truly knew - knew it in the pit of my stomach, in the centre of my bones, knew it from the crown of my head to the soles of my feet, knew it deep in my empty chest - was how love gave someone the power to break you...I'd been broken beyond repair!" Bella
** "If I could dream at all, it would be about you... And I'm not ashamed of it...” - Edward Cullen, Twilight
** "You are the only one who has ever touched my heart. It will always be yours..." - Edward Cullen
** "You are my life. You're the only thing that would hurt to lose..." - Edward Cullen
** "But if you bring her back damaged again - and I don’t care whose fault it is, i don’t care if she merely trips, or if a meteor falls out of the sky and hits her head - if you return her to me in less than perfect condition I left her in, you will be running with three legs. Do you understand now mongrel?" - Edward to Jacob
** "You are...well, not exactly the love of my life because I expect to love you for much longer than that, the love of my existence." - Edward Cullen
** "You are the most important thing to me now... the most important thing to me ever...” Edward Cullen
** "When you can live forever what do you live for?"
** "You're impossible! How can I put this so that you'll believe me? You're not asleep, and you're not dead. I'm here and I love you. I have always loved you and i will always love you. i was thinking of you, seeing your face in my mind, every second when i was away. when I told you i didn't want you, it was the blackest kind of blasphemy!" - edward cullen, new moon
** "I've found heaven right smack in the middle of hell!"
### "I promise to love you forever --- every single day of forever... Will you marry me?" -Edward Cullen, Eclipse
** "Only you could be more important than what I wanted, what I needed, what i want and need is to be with you, and I know I'll never be strong enough to leave again."" Edward Cullen
** "I'll never forgive myself for leaving you. Not if I live a hundred thousand years." - Edward Cullen
### "I'll be back so soon you won’t have time to miss me. Look after my heart; I've left it with you." - Edward Cullen
*** "You are the only one who has ever touched my heart. It will always be yours...”
** "If there were any way for me to become human for you, no matter what the price was, I would pay it."
** "If I had found you, there isn't a doubt in my mind how i would have proceeded. I was that boy, who would have as soon as I discovered that you were what I was looking for... gotten down on one knee and endeavoured to secure your hand. I would have wanted you for eternity, even when the world didn’t have quite the same connotations." Edward Cullen
** "I'll be fighting for her too. You should know that... I’m not taking anything for granted, and I’ll be fighting twice as hard as you will." Edward Cullen
### "We'll go to Vegas, you can wear old jeans and we'll go to the chapel with the drive-through window. i just want it to be official that you belong to me and no one else..." - Edward Cullen, Eclipse
** "When I left you, Bella, I left you bleeding. Jacob was the one to stitch you back up again. That was bound to leave its mark on both of you. Im not sure those kinds of stitches dissolve on their own. I can't blame either of you for something I made necessary. I may gain forgiveness but that doesn't let me escape the consequences." - Edward Cullen, Eclipse.
** "I can be noble, Bella. I'm not going to make you choose between us. Just be happy, and you can have whatever part of me you want, or none at all, if that's better. Don’t let any debt you feel you owe me influence your decision." Edward Cullen, Eclipse
** Bachelor parties are designed for those who are sad to see the passing of their single days. I couldn't be more eager to have mine behind me. So there's really no point."
** "It doesn't matter to me what you are Edward, as long as we are together, nothing can tear us apart." Bella Swan
** "When you loved the one who was killing you, it left no options. how could you run, how could you fight, when doing so would hurt that beloved one? If your life was all you had to give, how could you not give it? If it was someone you truly loved?"
** "Nothing was right when I was away from her" Edward Cullen
** Its so hard to describe. It’s not like love at first sight really. It’s more like gravity moves. When you see her, suddenly it’s not the earth holding you here anymore... She does!! And nothing matters more than her... and you would do anything for her, be anything for her....you become whatever she needs you to be, whether that’s a protector, or a lover or a friend, or a brother...” Edward Cullen
** "Surely, It was a good way to die, in the place of someone else, someone i loved..." - Bella Swan
** "So ready for this to be the end?" ...."For this to be the twilight of your life, though your life has barely started. You’re ready to give up everything" - Edward Cullen
** "I don’t want you to miss anything. I don’t want my presence to take anything away from you, if I can help it! I want you to be human. I want your life to continue as it would have if I’d died in nineteen-eighteen like I should have.."
** "He really did want me the way I wanted him forever. It was only fear for my soul, for the human things he didn’t want to take from me, that made him so desperate to leave me mortal. Compared to the fear that he didn’t want me, this hurdle my soul seemed almost insignificant." Bella Swan
** When I was doing something dangerous or stupid, I could remember you more clearly...I could remember how your voice sounded when you were angry. i could hear it, like you were standing right there next to me. Mostly i tried not to think about you but this didn’t hurt so much, it was like you were protecting me again. like you didn’t want me to be hurt....I wonder if the reason i could hear you so clearly was because underneath it all, I always knew that you hadn't stopped loving me..."
** "I've stolen, I've lied, I've coveted...my virtue is all I have left." "I've coveted you. I had no right to want you but I reached out and took you anyway."- Edward Cullen
** I would not leave without Edward again, if he were leaving this world, then I would be right behind him… I couldn’t imagine Edward not existing…somehow, somewhere. If we could be together in any place then that was a happy ending…” Bella
** Its one thing for me to make myself miserable but a wholly other thing for you to be so involved. I don’t want to hear that you feel that way. It was the truth, it was a lie. The most selfish part of me was flying with knowledge that she wanted me as I wanted her. It’s wrong, it’s not safe. I’m dangerous, Bella.
** “I’ll hurt myself to keep from hurting you, to keep you safe..”
** I can’t live in a world where you don’t exist...
** “I lied, and I’m so sorry, sorry because I hurt you, sorry because it was a worthless effort, sorry that I couldn’t protect you from what I am. I lied to save you, and it didn’t work. I’m sorry…” Edward Cullen, New Moon
** “I could see it in your eyes that you honestly believed that I didn’t want you anymore. The most absurd, ridiculous concept as if there were any way that could exist without I needing you...” Edward Cullen, New Moon
**Edward: “Yesterday when I would touch you, you were so careful, and yet still the same. I need to know why. Is it because I’m too late? Because I’ve hurt you too much? Because you have moved on, as if I meant for you too? That would be quite fair. I won’t contest your decision. So don’t try to spare my feelings, pls. just tell me now whether or not you can still love me after everything I’ve done to you.”
Bella: “The way I feel about you will never change, of course, I love you and there’s nothing you can do about it.”
** “I’m not going anywhere not without you.”
** “I only left you in the first place because I wanted you to have a chance at a normal happy human life. I could see what I was doing to you, keeping you constantly on the edge of danger, taking you away from the world you belonged in, risking your life every moment I was with you. So I had to try, I had to do something and it seemed like leaving you was the only way, If I hadn’t thought you would be better off, I could never made myself leave. I’m much too selfish. Only you could be more important than what I wanted, what I needed. What I want and need is to be with you and I know I’ll never be strong enough to leave again. I have too many excuses to stay. Thank heaven for that. It seems you can’t be safe, no matter how many miles I put between us.” Edward Cullen, New Moon
** Right and wrong have ceased to mean much to me. I was already past trying to live through one week at a time, or even one day. I was fighting to make it through a single hour; it was only a matter of time and not much of it before I showed up at your window and begged you to take me back. – Edward Cullen, new moon
** Lots of pieces of me went missing. I haven’t been able to really breathe in so long and my heart was definitely lost. – Bella Swan, New Moon
** I cannot be without you but I will not destroy your soul...
*** Quotes/Lines courtesy of Twilight Saga Books by Stephenie Meyer (Twilight, New Moon, Breaking Dawn and Eclipse)
Thanks for the wonderful book with those heart-warming love lines…
*** Pictures courtesy of: http://www.flickr.com/photos/27341681@N03/2617840500/ and http://www.flickr.com/photos/clarissa1309/2893054842/
Monday, March 30, 2009
Death is inevitable. On the day that we were born, we were destined to die any time in our life, be it in a young or old age, be it famous or anonymous, deprived or privileged, blissful or miserable, ghastly or decent, our common fate is that death will take us all someday. Some may gone so soon before us and the pain left is quite unbearable, it hurts so badly to lose someone in your life, be they closest to one’s heart or be a stranger yet when one becomes a part of who you are, losing them is heart-breaking.
The day the Lord took away my grandfather, I was too young to understand the feelings of loss, too young to comprehend what was taken away from us, it was years ago, I can no longer recall how painful it was, I guess, I was just so good in suppressing the anguish that for years I haven’t felt it anymore. But then this time, it all rolled up into pieces again, I can already reminisce the past, the pain I once endured, I now understand why it hurts and why it continue to bother me, for I felt guilty for not giving my best to love them and be there for them when they needed me.
Months ago, after more than a decade of loss, I once relived the moment of saying goodbye to someone so dear to me. She passed away without me telling her how much she meant to me, I once quoted myself saying that “I’ll die for her” but those were just plain words, I never gave an effort to care for her, to be there for her, I was given ample time to nurse for her yet regrettably, I have done nothing right, I was too selfish, too lax to do nothing and on the day of her last breath, I did nothing to save her, to give her another chance to live, I became useless. I buried her to the grounds with my tears and my love, I do love my grandma and it’s now too late to say it. Everyday I pray, I silently cry and suffer, wishing that she’ll be happy with my grandpa in heaven, praying that she’ll forgive me for everything I’ve done wrong, for being a disappointment.
For weeks I never conceptualized that someday I’ll hear her say the words that gave me peace. Even if it was just a dream, everything felt right, and I know she spoke the things that made me let go. She told me she’s happy now and she let go of my hand and tears gust in my eyes. And that very moment, I realized that she no longer wants me to keep holding on, she wants me to let her go for she’s at peace and she’s no longer in pain and that I should move on..
I know now that they are in my Lord’s paradise. No matter where they be, my love for them will live forever… I’ll be missing them truly.
A prayer I continuously loved and adored for years now... read it from a collection of poetry found in my college library...since then i truly love this prayer! thanks to the poet who made this...
Heavenly Father, full of grace, bless my boyfriends beautiful face. Bless his eyes that shine so bright, help him lord to see the light. Bless his hands that sometimes roam, let them roam on me alone! Bless the ground on which he walks; bless the words of which he talks. bless the bed on which we lay. bless the love of which we say. Bless his arms that hold so tight, bless him till the morning light. Bless his words i long to hear; bless the water of which he may tear. bless his heart that loves me so… bless him Lord, i may never let go!
Mah P.O.V (Love and Life):
Being in a relationship is an overwhelming and daunting experience, you love with all your heart, give up everything you could, smile throughout all the pain and fight back just to uphold the relationship yet there are times that no matter how hard you sacrifice, life becomes so unfair when the one you love go astray and leave your heart broken. Other times, some beings are too dumb and selfish to steal your love away, offering you a choice whether to fight or to give up. It doesn’t matter what choice a person makes, whether you act dim-witted, foolish and martyr , everything still ends up depending on our fate, on what kind of life we intend to live with the choices we make, it doesn’t matter if we hurt others or be hurt by others, what makes difference is the kind of happiness and self-fulfillment we get from doing the things that we know we will never regret in the end, at least when we die, we can say that we have live a life to the fullest, not regretting a single day that we haven’t done what we should have… love and life isn’t an easy role to play in this cruel world but at least we experience how to live, love and be loved! mwah...
Saturday, March 28, 2009
life - a twisted fate, you never know where your goin to, u never know when or where ur life ends...wer not in control of everything...yesterday may be fun, today may seem to be a blissful moment and tomorrow might never come... one day, i woke up realizing i havent done enough 2 keep a person breathing,... everyday i encounter death and it has always been simple, i see life as something i should protect 2 make people happy but when i see death coming, it becomes natural to say "he's gone" and it has always been simple to cover and cleanse 'd dead but now everything has twisted, it all started when u lose someone u truly love, someone u thought u would have 2 give ur life for them but havent done it...saying goodbye became so hard but it kills me more 2 pronounce death 2 someone concealed in ur heart....
months may have pass now, i may have lived through it, smiled through out the pain but still my heart bleeds... i guess, it takes time to heal... especially when ur alone hurting, blaming....I'm sorry... hope u can hear me...