Monday, March 30, 2009

I'll be Missing You...

Death is inevitable. On the day that we were born, we were destined to die any time in our life, be it in a young or old age, be it famous or anonymous, deprived or privileged, blissful or miserable, ghastly or decent, our common fate is that death will take us all someday. Some may gone so soon before us and the pain left is quite unbearable, it hurts so badly to lose someone in your life, be they closest to one’s heart or be a stranger yet when one becomes a part of who you are, losing them is heart-breaking.

The day the Lord took away my grandfather, I was too young to understand the feelings of loss, too young to comprehend what was taken away from us, it was years ago, I can no longer recall how painful it was, I guess, I was just so good in suppressing the anguish that for years I haven’t felt it anymore. But then this time, it all rolled up into pieces again, I can already reminisce the past, the pain I once endured, I now understand why it hurts and why it continue to bother me, for I felt guilty for not giving my best to love them and be there for them when they needed me.

Months ago, after more than a decade of loss, I once relived the moment of saying goodbye to someone so dear to me. She passed away without me telling her how much she meant to me, I once quoted myself saying that “I’ll die for her” but those were just plain words, I never gave an effort to care for her, to be there for her, I was given ample time to nurse for her yet regrettably, I have done nothing right, I was too selfish, too lax to do nothing and on the day of her last breath, I did nothing to save her, to give her another chance to live, I became useless. I buried her to the grounds with my tears and my love, I do love my grandma and it’s now too late to say it. Everyday I pray, I silently cry and suffer, wishing that she’ll be happy with my grandpa in heaven, praying that she’ll forgive me for everything I’ve done wrong, for being a disappointment.

For weeks I never conceptualized that someday I’ll hear her say the words that gave me peace. Even if it was just a dream, everything felt right, and I know she spoke the things that made me let go. She told me she’s happy now and she let go of my hand and tears gust in my eyes. And that very moment, I realized that she no longer wants me to keep holding on, she wants me to let her go for she’s at peace and she’s no longer in pain and that I should move on..
I know now that they are in my Lord’s paradise. No matter where they be, my love for them will live forever… I’ll be missing them truly.

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