Friday, May 29, 2009

My Hostile Heart

"What would you feel when someone bruised you and tormented you into pieces?! What would you do when someone caused you so much suffering that you wish you were never born?! would you ever want to live or rather die?"

This were the torturous, excruciating, harrowing ideas meddling on my mind today. Someone caused me so much pain this day and it feels like I can never forgive that person. Today, the devil had driven my patience to the heart is now full of anguish towards the devil. For years, I submissively followed her rules, avoided any arguments, refrained from causing any commotion that might ruined everything but finally she elicit another mistake and it has driven me to the extremes now.... some people laugh about it, some people tell me it's passable and might be happening for a reason but i wonder, what reason might that be?!

The devil finally broke me into pieces...last year, she did this to me however, I gained the passion to forgive her and understand the situation but this time, I just couldn't understand it anymore...I've been good to her, I've been her weakling puppy-staff, followed everything she wanted, said yes to all her orders but what do I get?! even a day of rest for my birthday, she couldn't even grant, she's so mean, she even scheduled me on a graveyard shift on the day of my supposedly happy birthday!!! how could I forgive a person like her?! tell me...I guess, I'm just so emotional, childish and overly dramatic but my mind tells me that what she did was wrong, my heart tells me that I'm hurting and it's hard to understand everything!!!

All I wanted is to be happy on my day, all I wanted was to rest from all the hardships in my work, in my life...all i wanted was to be at peace but now all my plans are ruined...I guess, I just have to sleep all day long on my day after working on a graveyard shift, I'll just be dreaming of the blissful things that should have happened or might have happened....

What a chaotic life it has been... I tried to calm myself down, cried it all out, prayed for it to changed but for now, I'm still trying to mend my heart and understand everything that is and will be happening in my deranged life!!

1 commentaries:

Anufi, Patronesa-in-waiting ng mga Veykla said...

you deserve to be happy! tawa ka muna! everything will be ok!